*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
No laws when master is gone
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”