My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
A great tip. #CakeRex
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Cannot stop laughing at this
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: