walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
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Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.