me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.