Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
i meant to share this earlier
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
when you order from DoorDastardly
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.