Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
my name if I was in the mob
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.