I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me