autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Me, reading some of your tweets
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked