Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
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For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?