customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”