Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line