I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
You Might Also Like
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
They got a point!
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes