This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead