The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Finally, an explanation.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.