My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
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Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
jesus, what did this guy do
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché