When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
You Might Also Like
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life