me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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Noted.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
😂😂
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
this came to me in a vision
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.