Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet