Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.