5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize