If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Banana is the quietest snack
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”