Always the barmaid, never the bar.
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The future is now.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.