I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus