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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.