I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
What the hell happened here.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.