“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Where’s my employee discount too?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin