Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
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Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Ugh but profoundly
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶