If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him