A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Midwest trash talk
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
how much does a mortician urn in a year
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.