Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look