10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
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I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]