I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left