[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?