Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
What?!?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.