Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you