Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”