I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You Might Also Like
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too