The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham