YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse