her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.