First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Sorry. Not sorry
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.