I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
me, after any kind of buffet.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want