Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
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To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?