Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Cow it started Cow it’s going