-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.