Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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the official breakfast of 2021
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
When you’ve simply given up.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I enjoy a good short stor
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[at the general store]
me: one general please