Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family