I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs