Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.