EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
🌱🌱🌱
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day